Disney's Twelfth Night
by Mr History 94
Summary: This is a test on a parody based upon a well-known comedy by William Shakespeare himself. It's just a project. Join this universally-acclaimed comedy with well-known Disney characters playing the roles. It centres on twins Donald and Della, who must find their way back to each other. (Update: I have now Act 2! hope you like it! :-)
1. ACT 1

**DISNEY'S TWELFTH NIGHT**

Based upon the universally-acclaimed play written by William Shakespeare and with characters from the disney-universe taking the roles, comes a parody based upon truth and silliness all at the same time.

**CAST:**

Della Duck as Viola

Donald Duck as Sebastian

Stitch as Captain (from scene 1)

Gladstone Glander as Duke Orsino

Kronk (Emperor's New Groove) as Curio

Taran (The Black Caldroun) as Valentin

Lady Kluck (Robin Hood) as Mary

Uncle Waldo (The Aristocats) as Sir Toby Belch

Gideon (Pinnochio) as Sir Andrew Augecheek

Daisy Duck as Olivia

Edgar (The Aristocats) as Malvolio

John Silver (Treasure Planet) as Antonio

Robin Hood as Fester

LeFou (Beauty and the Beast) as Fabian

Friar Tuck (Robin Hood) as the priest

Wiggins (Pocahontas) as a servant of Olivia

_**ACT ONE**_

_**SCENE 1**_

One day, a terrible storm descends upon the sea. It is terrefying and most people lose their lives. However, a young woman with the assistance of a brave and kind-hearted captain manages to make it alive out of the storm. They arrive on the shores of a mysterious country. The woman is a young duck named Della and her saviour is a blue-furred alien called Stitch.

Della: What is the name of this nation?

Stitch: This land is called Illyria, milady.

Della: Illyria! But my brother is in Elysium! Oh no, that terrible storm must have seperated us from each other!

Stitch: Yes I am afraid so. Things so terrible as that can happen! Many people before us have perished in these storms before. The last time was nearly five years ago. It was only a miracle that we survived!

Della: Mr Stitch! For helping me survive this disaster, I am eternally grateful to you. Here, take this gold, you deserve it!

Stitch: I am humbled, milady! I will accept it with gratitude!

Della: Not to be rude, but do you possess any knowledge about this country?

Stitch: Certainly! I was born and raised here….well except for the fact that my father was a psycopathic scientist, of course!

Della: Who rules this country?

Stitch: A duke, known for his idyllic sins and love for music. But he can also be an arrogant and selfish jerk sometimes!

Della: What's his name?

Stitch: His name is Gladstone Glander, milady!

Della: Gladstone? I have heard about him. My father always told me a lot about him. He was unmarried at that time.

Stitch: And he still is! For the last few years, Gladstone has desperatley sought to find the perfect duchess for him. In these days, he always tries gain the affections of a serene countess in Illyria.

Della: Who is she?

Stitch: She is a countess called Daisy. Her father was a rich count, but he passed away due to an illness. Not so long ago, her older brother did it as well. She has been constantly mourning her brother's death for many months now.

Della: I see. Perhaps I need to find out more. I am going to Gladstone's court. I dress up a man I order to work as a messenger for the duke. Once inside, I will find out a solution to this Gladstone's problems.

Stitch: But milady! Disguising yourself as a man while serving the duke won't be an easy task! Every messenger the duke has sent to the countess have all been turned down!

Della: I beg of you, Mr Stitch! Please keep your mouth silenced about who I am. Right now, this is the only way I know to survive. Keep this secret between us and you shall be rewarded handsomely!

Stitch: Well….I just hope you know what you are doing. Very well! I got my mouth zipped, so you can trust me, honest!

Della: Thank you, sir! Lead the way, then!

And so Stitch showed Della the way to the nearest town in Illyria. The big question was: how was Della going to survive this, having been seperated from her brother in the storm? She only hoped that the duke would give her shelter and a place to sleep.

_**SCENE 2**_

In the palace gardens belonging to the duke of Illyria, Gladstone Glander walks around the clean area while trying to enjoy the beautiful day. Not so far from him, a choir is singing so wondrous that it would make every person cry. The duke listens to the music with joy.

Gladstone: Ah! Music! Yes! Play more, play louder! That melody pierces through my heart like an arrow! It melts my thoughts!

Choir: FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN! FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN!

Gladstone: It already floats in the air! The melody that speaks of endless serenity and shining beauty in a world filled with idyllic fields. I imagine myself walking among the fields of gold while the sun in its jealous sky shines upon me! My grace is undeniable!

Choir: UNTO US A SON IS GIVEN! UNTO US A SON IS GIVEN! AND THE GOD THE GRACEFUL….

Gladstone: No! No, no stop it! I said stop it! It is no longer so lively! Oh love, you are so fast and speedy! Why are you so impossible in the eyes of mankind? Such a pity!

Kronk: Do you want to go hunting, milord? I mean….if you're up for it, of course.

Gladstone: What type of beast should I chase, Kronk?

Kronk: Uhhhhh….how about deer?

Gladstone: But I am already doing that! What else do you expect from me!? Oh, the first time I saw Daisy it was like the whole air was cured of illness!

Kronk: Right…oh hey here comes Taran! Maybe he has something to say!

Gladstone: Any news from her, Taran?

Taran: M-Milord! Please f-forgive me, but the duchess's guards would not allow me passage! They said she needed her time alone, because her moruning of her brother's death would last more than seven years!

Gladstone: A heart so young, yet so imprisoned by sorrow! How long will it take for her to notice me?

Taran: I d-do not know the answer, s-sir!

Gladstone: Very well! Taran! Kronk! Join me in the garden and we shall all cleanse our bitterness by its lush life! And while we do that, stop talking with ther squirrels here!

Kronk and Taran: Yes, your Highness!

The duke and his close servants then continued wandering through the verdent garden, hoping it would ease Gladstone's disappointment.

_**SCENE 3**_

Inside Duchess Daisy's palace, many servants and close relatives of Daisy make their homes there. In the kitchen, we see a sober goose walking around accompanied by a hen dressed in a chambermaid's clothes. The goose is Daisy's charming, but miserable uncle: Waldo or Waldo Belch as he is sometimes called. The hen following him is called Kluck. She and Waldo has somewhat a difficult, yet funny relationship.

Waldo: Why must my niece take so much sorrow of her brother's death!? My life's greatest enemy is none other than the sorrow itself! Hic!

Kluck: You must come home earlier, Sir Waldo! Your niece, my merciful lady does not like this so-called nightlife of yours!

Waldo: Really? Hic, I say! Every people in this household is always displeased about my way of fun! Hic!

Kluck: You should stop boozing yourself! It would definetley suit you!

Waldo: Suit me? What nonesense! These clothes are the finest for a Illyrian politician like myself! And what about this hat? It is a fine example of a gentleman's hat!

Kluck: My goodness so difficult you are! My merciful lady expressed open disgust at so-called knight you brought into the household and pretended him to be her proposer!

Waldo: Who? You mean Sir Gideon Augecheek?

Kluck: Yes! That dim-witted, clumsy and ridiculous cat-friend of yours!

Waldo: Oh, but he is so charming as any man in Illyria!

Kluck: What does that matter?

Waldo: He recieves three thousand ducats each year!

Kluck: Well he is rich, but he constantly wastes his wealth on something idiotic as drinking and prostitution! Might I remind you Sir Waldo that you are also of noble blood, yet you don't possess that much ducats.

Waldo: That doesn't matter anymore! He can speak three different languages fluently and he has all nature's greatest gifts! Hic!

Kluck: Okay, perhaps I said nature, not to mention the fool of nature. His character is constantly ludichrous! Every night he drinks so sober along with you!

Waldo: Absolutely! And it is by this mug that I drink off the the sweetness in Illyria! I could care less about my niece and her….anger management! Hic! I would love to see a pretty bitty lady like you dance with me! WOOPEEEEE!

Kluck: Wohoho! You naughty old goose!

Waldo: Castilliano Vulgo! Here comes Sir Gideon Augecheek!

Gideon: Hello there, Sir Waldo BELCH! How are you Sir Waldo BELCH!

Waldo: AHHHHH! My dear friend, Sir Gideon! I am fine as a warthog's backside! Hic!

Gideon: Bless you, little chicken winger!

Kluck: And you too, sir!

Waldo: Accost, Sir Gideon! Accost!

Gideon: Ehhhhh…..what's that?

Waldo: Wha….it's my niece's chambermaid!

Gideon: Good Mistress Accost, I desire better aquiantance!

Kluck: My name is Kluck, sir.

Gideon: Good Mistress Kluck Accost…

Waldo: You misunderstand, knight! Accoste is: front her, board her, woo her, assail her.

Gideon: By my tail! I can't undertake her in this company. Is that the meaning of "accoste"?

Kluck: Farewell, gentlemen!

Waldo: You allow her the smit away like that, Sir Gideon, you will never be able to uneathe your sword again!

Gideon: If you smit like that, then I will never uneathe my sword! Pretty little…my goodness she is gone! Perhaps she fell for another knight!

Waldo: Hahahahahah! You are really talented, Sir Gideon! The next time we meet her, you better touch her breasts!

Gideon: Breasts!? N-No way!

Waldo: Porquois, dear knight?

Gideon: Porquois, what does that mean? Awww I barley remember all of those different languages that I speak! If I only had focused on the beautiful artworks.

Waldo: Then you would've had a flat-skinned head!

Gideon: Why so? Is that good for my hair?

Waldo: Magnificent! It hangs like a drop on the leaf. And I hope to see a waitress touch you between your kness and spin it off!

Gideon: Well, I am leaving tomorrow, Sir Waldo! Your niece refuses to see me and I bet ten schilling that she doesn't like me! Even the duke himself is wooing her throughout the neighborhood!

Waldo: Bah! She does not love the duke. She won't have anyone who stands above her in age, perfection and elegance! I have heard her swear to it myself. There is still hope for you, my friend!

Gideon: Oh…..really? Why didn't you say so? Then I will stay here a few months!

Waldo: How do you master a gilliard, knight?

Gideon: Oh I can swagger like a young buck!

Waldo: And I can bow like a young swagger!

Gideon: And I think I can dance with my feet as any man can in Illyria!

Waldo: Oh your feet are well-formed as if they were made under the star of the gilliard!

Gideon: Oh yeah! Let's sing and dance shall we? I'm in the mood for the nightlife!

Waldo and Gideon: HI-DIDDLE-DEE-DEE! AN ACTOR'S LIFE FOR ME!

And so both silly noblemen left for town to fill their bellies with alcohol, as usual.

_**SCENE 4**_

In the duke's palace, Della (now dusguised as a male duck and adopting the name William) was awaiting her new boss in the palace's main hall. She was breifly engaged in a conversation with Kronk.

Kronk: Okay William! Since you are new here, you better know where your loyalty lies. Otherwise, the boss will have your head.

Della: I assure you Kronk that my loyalties to his Highness is undiminished!

Gladstone: Where is William?

Della: At your service, milord!

Gladstone: Good. Now go to Daisy's palace and ask for an audience. Ask her why she refuses to return my feelings. Do that and you shall be rewarded handsomely!

Della: It shall be done, milord. I will try my best.

Gladstone: Very well! Kronk come with me for a second, we have much to discuss.

Kronk: As you wish, my duke!

Della: Now that they are gone, all I can say to myself is, to propose for someone you love is sickening! Oh, how I adore Gladstone and his desperate search for a woman. Perhaps….I would make a fine duchess. But I better get to work and meet this….dreamer of his.

And then the duck dressed in a man's uniform went for Countess Daisy's palace, where she would learn more about this woman the duke adored so much

_**SCENE 5**_

In Daisy's garden outside her palace, Kluck was following a fox dressed in a fool's uniform. He was technically Daisy's personal fool: Robin.

Kluck: Either you say where you have been or I will not open my beak to excuse you.

Robin: Well, a good hanging does prevent bad marriages!

Kluck: You actually want to be hanged?

Robin: Not so, milady! Neither! My life is resolved on two simple points!

Kluck: So if one break, the other will hold, or if both break, your gaskins fall?

Robin: Well said, lass! Impressive! If only Sir Waldo stopped boozing himself then you could've become a witty piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria!

Kluck: Oh shut your gibbering mouth, you buffoon! No more of that! Here comes my lady and her butler, so make your excuses wisely. I am leaving her to you!

Robin: Oh I will show that woman! Better with a witty fool than a foolish wit. God bless thee, lady!

Daisy: Take the fool away!

Robin: Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the lady!

Daisy: Oh you are such a dry fool! I want you out of my sight! Besides, you grow dishonest.

Robin: Two faults, madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry. The lady bade take away the fool; therefore, I say again, take her away!

Daisy: Sir, I bade them take away you!

Robin: Good madonna, give me leave to prove you are a fool.

Daisy: Can you do it?

Robin: Dexterously, good madonna.

Daisy: Make your proof.

Robin: I must catechise you for it, madonna. Will you answer my questions? They are as formal as they can be!

Daisy: Very well, I'll bide your proof.

Robin: Good madonna, why mournest thou?

Daisy: Good fool, for my brother's death.

Robin: I think his soul is in hell, madonna.

Daisy: I know his soul is in heaven, fool.

Robin: The more fool are you, madonna, to mourn for your brother's  
soul being in heaven. Take away the fool, gentlemen!

Daisy: What think you of this fool, Edgar? Isn't he overreacting?

Edgar: Yes, and so shall he do till the pangs of death shake him: infirmity.

Robin: Well said, lad! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no wolf; but he will not pass his word for two pence that you are no fool.

Daisy: What do you say to that, Edgar?

Edgar: I marvel your ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal! Just look at him milady, he's out of his guard already! He is no better than the fool's zanies! As such he will continue to live this kind of life.

Daisy: Oh, you are sick of self-love, Edgar, and taste with a distempered appetite. There is no slander in an allowed fool, though he do nothing but rail.

Robin: Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speakest well of fools!

Kluck: Madame! There is a young man standing outside the gates. He insists on speaking to you no matter what.

Daisy: He must be from Duke Gladstone, right?

Kluck: I don't know madame, but he is a fine, young gentleman.

Daisy: Who of my people hold him in delay?

Kluck: Sir Waldo, madame, your kinsman

Daisy: Oh dear! Send Waldo away, please. He speaks nothing but nonesense! That miserable, old goose. Go out and talk to this visitor, Edgar. If he has a message from the duke, tell him I am sick, or not home. Please tell anything you want, as long as you make him go away.

Edgar: As you wish, madame.

Daisy: Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old and people dislike it.

Robin: Ah Thou hast spoke for us, madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool. I hope God crams his skull full of brains, because here comes one of your relatives who's pretty weak in the head. And he has been marinated in alcohol!

Daisy: I swear, he's half drunk already. Who's that at the gate, uncle?

Waldo: A gentleman.

Daisy: A gentleman? What gentleman?

Waldo: There's some gentleman out there! Hic! Damn these pickled herring! How are ye today, ye thieving fox?

Robin: Good Sir Waldo!

Daisy: Uncle, uncle, how are you already so brain-dead so early in the day?

Waldo: Brain-dead! Nonsense. I defy brain-death! I told ye, someone's at the gate. And he is very ugly.

Daisy: How ugly?

Waldo: Ugly as a duckling! Hic!

Daisy: Yes, but who is he?

Waldo: Let him be the devil if he wants to, I don't care. God will protect me. What do I care who it is? He can kiss me naked tailfeathers! Now off I go!

Robin: Hey! Where do you think you are going, lad? Don't worry about your kinsman, madonna. The fool will look after him as if he was a drowned goose.

Daisy: Very well. Make also sure that you get Waldo to bed. He is in his own world right now.

Edgar: Madame, that young man out there says he's got to speak to you. I told him everything you said, but he knew that. He knows everything and demands to speak with you. I can't come up with anymore excuses.

Daisy: Tell him he shall not speak with me.

Edgar: I did, but he says he will stand at the door like a sherrif's post until he speaks with you.

Daisy: What kind of man is he?

Edgar: He's very rude. He insists he'll speak with you whether you want him to or not.

Daisy: What does he look like? How old is he?

Edgar: Not old enough to be a man, but not young enough to be a boy. He looks like he just recently stopped breastfeeding. A despicable creature if you ask me.

Daisy: Show him in. Call in my maid.

Edgar: Kluck, our lady demands your presence! Madame, I shall leave you and the young man alone until you call for me!

Daisy: Give me my veil, Kluck. Come, put it over my face. We're going to hear Gladstone's pleas again. Such a headache!

Della: Which one of you is the lady of the house?

Daisy: You can speak to me, gentleman. I represent her. What do you want?

Della: What stunning, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty—but please, tell me if you're the lady of the house, because I've never seen her. I'd hate to waste my speech on the wrong person, because It's very well written and I spent a lot of time and energy memorizing it. So please tell me.

Daisy: Where do you come from, sir?

Della: I'm sorry, but I memorized what I'm supposed to say here today, and that question isn't part of the speech I learned. So please, madame, confirm your identidy.

Daisy: Are you an actor?

Della: No madame. But I swear I'm not the person I'm playing. Are you the lady of the house?

Daisy: I am, unless I somehow stole this role. Do you believe me?

Della: If you're the lady of the house, then it's true you're stealing your role, because what's yours to give away is not yours to keep for yourself. Let me read you my speech. I assure you it will be delightfull.

Daisy: Get to the point now. Forget the praising act.

Della: That's too bad, because I spent a long time memorizing it, and it's poetic.

Daisy: Well in my opinion it seems more likely to be fake. Keep the speech to yourself. From what I heard, you were acting disrespectful outside my gate. I only let you in so I could get to know your personality better, but that is not necessary anymore. You are nothing but a fruitcake with a complete lack of understanding. So don't waste my time with a ridiculous conversation.

Kluck: Ready to set sail, sir? The door is that way.

Della: No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little longer. My lady, would you mind asking your chickenlips here to back off a bit?

Daisy: Tell me what you want.

Della: I have a message to deliver.

Daisy: It must be a message about something horrible, since you deliver it so rudely. What is it about then?

Della: It's about you. And I come here in peace. I don't seek any demands of ducats.

Daisy: You misunderstood me, sir! Who are you? What do you want?

Della: Don't be so harsh, madame! All I want is to share a secret with you! And it comes from none other than the duke himself.

Daisy: Kluck! Please leave us alone for a bit. I will listen to what this man has to say.

Kluck: Your wish is my command!

Daisy: Okay, sir. You may begin reading.

Della: Before I read, madame, let me see your face.

Daisy: Hah! Has your lord given orders to describe my face? It is a face filled with nothing but emptiness.

Della: No madame. It would be much more personally if I read it directly to your face.

Daisy: Well…you do have point…very well then!

Della: "Most sweet lady-

Daisy: Is that your so-called speech? How absurd! I heard them a hundreds time now! Besides, Gladstone knows very well that I don't love him. He was given the answer many years ago.

Della: I see. You are overconfident. I pity you, madame. Duke Gladstone loves you deep in his heart.

Daisy: I think he is a nice, smart and just man, but he is not the right man for me. Anyway, who are you? Where are you from?

Della: My past has nothing to do with this. The only thing I barley remember is my noble parents. As you can see: I am of noble blood, but I serve faithul as ever.

Daisy: Go back to your lord and tell him I don't love him. He don't need to send me more messengers. Feel free to leave, unless you have other important things to talk about.

Della: And so shall I. Farewell, pitiful madame. May you one day find your heart in time.

Daisy: What did he mean by that? I am from noble blood? An what about this ring? It must be his. Bah! I don't have time for this foolishness! Edgar!

Edgar: At your service, madame.

Daisy: Follow this troublemaking gentleman. He forgot this ring. And if he wants to know the reason why I turned him away, then he can come back here tomorrow.

Edgar: It shall be done, madame!

Daisy: What is this feeling? Why am I suddenly feeling so warm? Could it be….no….no it can't be. Has that gentleman just opened my heart? No….I don't suppose so…except. Perhaps it is because I am tired. I need to get some sleep, that would cleanse this feeling.

And so the countess went to bed, thinking about the recent conversation between her and this young gentleman. Why was she feeling all these emotions?

_**END OF ACT 1**_

**Author's note: Finished with the Act 1. A long but, exciting chapter! **


	2. ACT 2

_**ACT 2**_

_**SCENE 1**_

In a distant place near a beachside, a fine, young noble by the name of Donald Duck walks with a good friend of his: the sailor John Silver. Thanks to the cyborg's heroic actions, Donald was saved from a watery grave in the seas. The two had been good friends with each other for about two months now. But now, Donald had something important to tell John.

John: You're saying you won't stay here any longer and you don't want me to accompany you?

Donald: No, it is best for you to stay here. I need to face this dilemma alone. Otherwise, you have done so many great things for me and I am eternally grateful.

John: At least tell me where you're going, lad.

Donald: I am afraid I can't, Silver. To be honest, I have no idea of what my destination is. Wandering is the only thing I do apperantly. I know you wouldn't force me to tell you my name, so I will now be honest with you here. My name is Donald Duck, though I've been calling myself Richard which is incorrect. My father was Quackmore Duck from Messaline. You have probably heard of him. He's dead now. He left behind myself and my twin sister, who was born in the same hour as me. Oh I wish we also died in the same hour too! But you prevented that from happening. As you pulled me out of the waves, my sister drowned.

John: Oh by me right eye, that's tragic!

Donald: Although many people said she looked like me, she was considered beautiful. And now she's been drowned in salty sea water, and my salty tears are about to drown her memory all over again.

John: I'm sorry I wasn't a better host for you, lad.

Donald: Oh, Silver, don't feel bad about yourself. I'm sorry for causing you so much trouble.

John: Listen mate: you are among the most nicest person I have ever met. Despite your gibbering and difficult language, I like the way you are. So please let me be your guardian. You'll be killing me if you don't.

Donald: If you don't want to break my heart, then say goodbye to me right now. I also want you to know that I have never met a more honourable man than you. It pains me to leave you like this. I am about to cry, just like my mother would do if she was about to leave her saviour. I'm going to Duke Gladstone's court. Farewell, honourable John Silver.

John: Farewell, good friend. I wish you all the best. If I didn't have so many enemies in that crab Gladstone's court, I'd go join you there. But that doesn't matter. I am crazy to know that a fine, good-looking lad like yourself is struggling in finding his way back home. This problem may not concern me, but I will go anyway, After all, good old Johnny-boy is always up for an adventure!

_**SCENE 2**_

On the road not far from Daisy's palace, Della still disguised as a man, is on her way to her lord after Daisy just turned her down. Put she stopped when she saw Edgar standing in front of her. Apparently, he had taken a shortcut to her. She became confused.

Edgar: Excuse me, sir! Weren't you with Countess Daisy just now?

Della: That is correct! I've only made it this far since I left her palace, walking at a moderate pace.

Edgar: She's sending this ring back to you, sir. Bah! You should've saved me some trouble and taken it away yourself. She wants you to make it very clear to YOUR lord that she wants nothing to do with him, and that YOU should never come again on his behalf, UNLESS you want to come back to tell her how he reacted to the bad news. Here, take the ring.

Della: But sir, she took that ring from me. I won't take it back.

Edgar: Now you listen to me you insolent, little peasant! You threw it at her rudely, and she wants you to take it back. How about I just drop it on the ground like this? (drops the ring to the ground) See! If your back is killing you then everyone who sees the ring can have it. End of discussion! My lady calls, so until then. Farewell, pitiful messenger

Della: What an arrogant, selfish moron that steward is! But wait! I didn't give her any ring. What's she trying to say? I hope she doesn't have a crush on me! It's true she looked at me a lot, in fact, she looked at me so much that she seemed distracted, and couldn't really finish her sentences very well. Oh, I really think she loves me! I'm the man she wants. If that's true, which it is, she might as well be in love with a dream, the poor lady. Now I understand why it's bad to wear disguises. Disguises help the devil do his work. It's so easy for a good-looking but deceitful man to make women fall in love with him. How pitiful! My lord loves her, and. poor me, I love him just as much. And she's deluded enough to be in love with me. Oh, only time can sort out this mess. I can't figure it out by myself! What a silly I am!

And then Della began walking slowly to her lord's palace, having just realised something humiliating and terrible at the same time. She loved Gladstone, but the woman he loved so much loved her. This was probably one of the many difficulties with being dressed in a man's uniform. How would she solve this problem?

_**SCENE 3**_

It is midnight at Daisy's palace, but for Sir Waldo and Sir Gideon, it's drinking time! The two lousy noblemen prepare themselves on causing one heck of a party….or a ruckus to be more exact.

Waldo: Come on, Sir Gideon! If we're still awake after midnight, then we're up early in the morning. And the shamans from the East say it's healthy to get up early.

Gideon: I don't know what the shamans or the doctors say. All I know is that staying up late is staying up late.

Waldo: Bah! A false conclusion. I hate your logic as much as I hate an empty drinking cup. Staying up after midnight means that you go to bed after midnight, in the wee hours of the morning, which is early. So it's like going to bed early. Isn't everybody made up of the four elements?- water, earth, fire and air? Or was it oil, mud, lightning and gas?

Gideon: That's what they say, but I think life consists of food and booze, not to mention some refreshing tobacco!

Waldo: You are a smart guy, Sir Gideon. So we should eat and drink. Kluck! Bring us some wine!

Gideon: Oh look Sir Waldo, here comes the fool.

Robin: Hello, me hearties! What a pretty picture, three fools all together consisting of a goose, a cat and a fox.

Waldo: Welcome, ass! Sing us a song!

Gideon: By my tail, this fool has an excellent singing voice. I'd give forty shillings to have his nice legs and his beautiful voice. By the way fool, I have sent you some money to spend on your girlfriend. Did you get it?

Robin: I gave your little present to my girlfriend because you can't get a grip on Edgar's nose to whip your horse with it. My girlfriend has beautiful red hands. How can I possibly not forget that silly, naughty vixen?

Gideon: Ha, ha! I love it when you talk nonsense and naughty. That's what fools should do. Come on now, sing for us.

Waldo: Yes! Here is a bag of REAL pence for you. We are ready maestro.

Gideon: Here is some pence from me as well. The good knight always help those in need, including the fools.

Robin: Would you have a love song or a song of good life?

Waldo: Oh! A love song, a love song!

Gideon: Aye! I don't care about good life.

Robin (sings): O mistress mine, where are you roaming?

O, stay and hear! Your true love's coming,

That can sing both high and low:

Trip no further, pretty sweeting.

Journeys end in lovers meeting,

Every wise man's son doth know.

What is love? 'Tis not hereafter.

Present mirth hath present laughter.

What's to come is still unsure.

In delay there lies no plenty.

Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty.

Youth's a stuff will not endure.

Gideon: That was excellent, really excellent.

Waldo: Good, very good.

Gideon: A beautiful voice, I swear.

Waldo: But it also stinks.

Gideon: Yes, it stinks very sweetly.

Waldo: If we could listen to him with our noses and beaks, we would definitely say he stinks very sweetly. So what do you say, should we sing loud enough to shake the heavens? Should we sing a round to wake up the night owl? Should we do that?

Gideon: Let's go for it. I'm a very good singer, and can sing rounds like a turkey.

Robin: Then you'll be good at catchy tunes. Turkeys like to play catch, not to mention their marvellous yodelling.

Gideon: Most certain. Let our catch be this one: "Thou Knave."

Robin: Oh you mean "Hold thy peace, thou knave"? My, my you certainly have a charming sense for singing catch, don't you knight? I mean, do you even know what it means?

Gideon: Of course I do? It means: shut up, you jerk. So begin, fool. It begins "Hold thy peace".

Robin: I shall never begin if I hold my peace.

Gideon: That's true. But come on, start.

Waldo, Gideon and Robin: (sings) Hold thy peace! Hold thy peace…..thou knave! Hold thy peace, thou knave! Thou knave! Thou knave! Hold thy peace! Hold thy peace…..

Kluck: What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not called up her steward and butler Edgar and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.

Waldo: My lady can go to China for all I care. We are Illyrian politicians! Edgar is nothing but a Peg- a-Ramsey and (sings) three merry men be we. Aren't I her relative, after all? Aren't we related? Fiddle-dee-dee, my little lady!" (singing) There lived a man in Babylon, lady, lady!

Robin: Beshrew me, the knight's in admirable fooling!

Gideon: Aye, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do I too. He does it with a better grace, but I do it more naturally.

Waldo: (sings) O' the twelfth day of December—

Kluck: For God's sake, shut up!

Edgar: By the grace of the Lord, are you all crazy!? What is it with you three!? Are you making all this noise at this time of night because you have no manners, or because you're just imbecilic!? Are you trying to turn my madame's house into a noisy bar? Is that why you're squealing out these ridiculous vulgar songs without lowering your voices at all? Don't you have any respect for anything!?

Waldo: We respected the beat of the song, sir. So shut up and hit the sack, you bootlicker!

Edgar: Sir Waldo, I've got to be honest with you. My lady told me to tell you that while she lets you stay at her house because you're a relative, she doesn't approve of your behavior. If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you are welcome to the house. If you can't, and would prefer to leave, she's very willing to bid you farewell.

Waldo: (sings) Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.

Kluck: No, good Sir Waldo.

Robin: (sings) His eyes do show his days are almost done.

Edgar: Is this how it's going to be?

Waldo: (sings) But I will never die.

Robin: (sings) Sir Waldo, there you lie.

Edgar: This behavior really makes you look great.

Waldo: (sings) Shall I bid him go?

Robin: (sings) What an if you do?

Waldo: (sings) Shall I bid him go, and spare not?

Robin: (sings) O no, no, no, no, you dare not.

Waldo: That's out of tune, sir. You lie. (to Edgar) You're nothing more than a servant here. Do you think that just because you're a goody two shoes, no one else can enjoy himself?

Robin: By Saint Anne, they certainly will. They'll have double helpings, too.

Waldo: You are right. (to Edgar) Go, sir, rub your chain and nose with breadcrumbs. Kluck, bring us some wine!

Edgar: Miss Kluck, if you cared what Lady Daisy thinks about you at all, you wouldn't contribute to this rude behavior. I assure you, she'll find out about this. Mark my words, you….imbeciles! All of you!

Kluck: Go and wiggle your ears! You might as well shave your head completley bald! So go away!

Gideon: Oh how I wish to make a fool out of that slimeball! I could challenge him to a duel and then not show up. That would do the trick.

Waldo: Then why don't you do that, knight? I'll write a letter challenging him to a duel on your behalf. Or I could deliver your insults to his face.

Kluck: Dear Sir Waldo, don't do anything rash tonight. Ever since the Duke's messenger visited Daisy, she's been upset. As for Monsieur Edgar, let me take care of him. I will make a big fool out of that selfish penguin. And I assure you everyone will laugh at him. I know I can do it.

Waldo: Ah, interesting! Tell us something about him.

Kluck: Well, sometimes he acts like a goody two shoes.

Gideon: Oh if I already knew that, I would beat him up til he bleeded like a pig

Waldo: You're going to beat him up for being good? And what's your brilliant reason for that, Sir Gideon?

Gideon: I don't have any "brilliant" reason for it, but I have a good enough reason.

Kluck: He isn't really that pure and good. He's just a conceited flatterer. He's a pretentious steward who aspires to speak and act like nobility. But that is nothing but lies! His arrogance and pride is easy to take advantage of. That's how I will get revenge on him.

Waldo: What are you going to do?

Kluck: I'll drop some mysterious love letters in his path. He'll think they're addressed to him. I can make my handwriting look just like Lady Daisy's. She and I can't tell the difference between each other's handwriting.

Waldo: Excellent! I smell a device!

Gideon: Yeah, I have it in my nose too.

Waldo: He'll think these letters are from Daisy and that she's in love with him.

Kluck: Yes, that's the idea!

Waldo: That bootlicker will look like a complete idiot and madman at the same time!

Kluck: You are most certainly right, Sir Waldo.

Gideon: This is going to be so much fun! I can't wait to see what happens.

Kluck: It will be, I promise. Watch his reaction once he reads the letters. Meanwhile, let's go to bed and dream about this. Good night, gentlemen!

Waldo: Good night, you Scottish warrior-princess!

Gideon: She's one good woman, right?

Waldo: Aye, she's a good little woman. She adores my charming personality, while I adore her amazon tendencies. But enough of that, let us go to bed, knight. Tomorrow we need more money from your fortune.

Gideon: Of course, Sir Waldo. But I do get to marry your niece, right? If not, then I will end up in some serious financial troubles.

Waldo: Believe me, lad! You will win her heart in the end.

Gideon: Thank you for the encouragement. It helped a lot.

Waldo: Hey, you know what, forget about going to sleep. It's too late to go to bed now. I'll go warm up a nice glass of sherry for us instead! Come on, my friend.

And then the two silly noblemen went to Waldo's quarters, hoping to enjoy some nice sherry.

They definetley would, after hearing Kluck's plan for Edgar.

_**SCENE 4**_

Inside Duke Gladstone's palace, the duke and his servants were walking around the main hall, while preparing for some good music in the background. But the true reason for their gathering in the main hall was for Della to explain Countess Daisy's message to her lord. This would indeed be difficult.

Gladstone: Give me some music. (music plays) Good morning, my friends. William, have them sing that song again, that old-fashioned song someone sang last night. It made me feel better and took my mind off my troubles. Please, have them sing just one verse.

Kronk: Uhhhh sir. The one who was supposed to sing that song is not here.

Gladstone: Who was it?

Kronk: It was jester called Robin, milord. Countess Daisy's father used to like him when he ruled their household. He's somewhere else in the palace.

Gladstone: Then go find him. Meanwhile, play the tune.

Kronk: As you command, Your Highness.

Gladstone: Come here, boy. If you ever fall in love and feel the bittersweet pain it brings, think of me. Because the way I am now, moody and unable to focus on anything except the face of the woman I love, is exactly how all true lovers are. What do you think of this song?

Della: To be honest, it really makes you feel what a lover feels.

Gladstone: You're absolutely right. I'd bet my life that, as young as you are, you've fallen in love with someone. Haven't you, William?

Della: Well….a little bit.

Gladstone: Oh, what kind of woman is she?

Della: She's a lot like you.

Gladstone: If so then she's not good enough for you, then. How old is she?

Della: About as old as you are, milord.

Gladstone: My goodness, that's definitely too old. A woman should always pick an older man. That way she'll adjust herself to what her husband wants, and the husband will be happy and faithful to her. Because however much we like to brag, William, the truth is that we men change our minds a lot more than women do, and our desires come and go a lot faster than theirs. Do you understand, boy?

Della: Yes. I think you're right, sir.

Gladstone: So find someone younger to love, or you won't be able to maintain your feelings. Women are like roses: the moment their beauty is in full bloom, it's about to decay.

Della: That's true. It's too bad their beauty fades right when it reaches perfection! Oh here comes Kronka and the singer.

Gladstone: My friend, sing us the song you sang last night. Listen to it carefully, William, it's a simple old song. It tells the simple truth about innocent love, as it was in the good old days.

Robin: Are you ready, sir?

Gladstone: Yes. You may begin singing.

Robin: (sings) Come away, come away, death,

And in sad cypress let me be laid.

Fly away, fly away breath,

I am slain by a fair cruel maid.

My shroud of white, stuck all with yew,

O, prepare it!

My part of death, no one so true

Did share it.

Not a flower, not a flower sweet

On my black coffin let there be strown.

Not a friend, not a friend greet

My poor corpse, where my bones shall be thrown.

A thousand thousand sighs to save,

Lay me, O, where

Sad true lover never find my grave,

To weep there!

Gladstone: Here's some money as a token of my gratitude.

Robin: No pains, sir. I take pleasure in singing.

Gladstone: Then I'll pay you for doing what you take pleasure in.

Robin: Truly, sir, and pleasure will be paid, one time or another.

Gladstone: Very well. You may leave us now.

Robin: I'll pray for the god of sadness to protect you, my liege. Men as wonderfully changeable as you are should all go drifting on the sea, where they can do whatever comes their way, and go wherever the current takes them. Those are the men whose trips are always successful. Farewell.

Gladstone: Kronk, you and the rest of the attendants may leave us alone for a bit.

Kronk: With respect, Your Majesty.

Gladstone: William, go visit that cruel Daisy one more time. Tell her my love is purer than anything else in the whole world, and has nothing to do with her property. The wealth she's inherited isn't what makes me value her. It's her rich, jewel-like beauty that attracts me.

Della: But what if she don't love you, sir?

Gladstone: I refuse to accept that!

Della: But you have to. Just imagine some lady might exist who loves you as powerfully and agonizingly as you love Daisy. But you can't love her, and you tell her so. Shouldn't she just accept that?

Gladstone: No woman is strong enough to put up with the kind of intense passion I feel! No woman's heart is big enough to hold all my love! They eat too much and get indigestion and nausea. But my love's different. It's as all-consuming and insatiable as the sea, and it can swallow as much as the sea can. Don't compare a woman's love for a man with my love for Daisy!

Della: Yes, but I know—

Gladstone: What do you know? Explain!

Della: I know a lot about the love women can feel for men. Their hearts are as sensitive and loyal as ours are. My father had a daughter who loved a man in the same way that I might love you, if I were a woman.

Gladstone: And what's her story?

Della: There was no story, Your Highness. She never told him she loved him. She kept her love bottled up inside her until it destroyed her, ruining her beauty. Her complexion turned greenish from depression. Doesn't that sound like true love? We men might talk more and promise more, but in fact we talk more than we really feel. We might be great at making vows, but our love isn't sincere.

Gladstone: But what happened to her? Did your sister die of love?

Della: I am not completley sure about that. My families are splitted between nobility and the hardworking middle-class. Anyway, sir, should I go see the lady?

Gladstone: Yes, go quickly and give her this jewel. Tell her my love won't go away and won't be denied. (he hands her a jewel)

And so once again, Della left for Daisy's palace. Meanwhile, the duke took his time to think about what his servant just told him. Perahps there was something right in the young man's words. Regardless, his love for Daisy would not be denied.

_**SCENE 5**_

It is a sunny day in Countess Daisy's palace, but also a great moment for Sir Waldo and Sir Gideon. Having recently just talked about Kluck's game on Edgar, they won't hesitate to miss this opportunity in watching the steward making a fool out of himself. They are entering the gardens accompanied by a servant at Daisy's household, as well as a friend of Sir Waldo: LeFou.

Waldo: Come along with us, Monsieur LeFou.

LeFou:Yeah, I'm coming! If I miss this great opportunity, then I might as well be boiled to death with melancholy.

Waldo: Won't you be glad to see that rascal dog humiliated?

LeFou: Sure I will! You know, that slimeball got me in trouble with your niece once when I arranged a bear-baiting here. Thanks to him, she rarely wants to speak to me.

Waldo: Oh don't you worry, my friend. We'll have another bear-baiting just to make him angry, and we'll mock him till he's black and blue. Won't we, Sir Gideon?

Gideon: If we don't, it'll be the biggest disappointment of our lives. This is after all the time of our lives.

Waldo: Speaking of which, her comes the little bandit herself. How are you, my Scottish battlemaiden?

Kluck: Hide behind the boxwood hedge, all three of you. Edgar is coming down the path. e's been over there practicing how to act for the past half hour. Watch him carefully if you want to have some fun, fellows. This letter's going to turn him into a starry-eyed idiot. Now hide, for God's sake! (they all hide) Now, you lie there on the path. (throws down a letter) Here comes the fish that's going to gobble up our bait. I better leave before he spots me. (runs away)

Edgar: Luck smiles upon me and everything around me is luck. Kluck once told me Daisy was fond of me. I have almost heard her say that myself. She said if she were interested in someone, it would be someone who looked like me. How delightful can she be?

Waldo: (whispering) Such stupidity coming from an egomaniac!

LeFou: (whispering) Knock it off! When he's alone with his thoughts, he's even more like a haughty peacock. Watch him strut!

Gideon: (whispering) Oh, how I would love to beat the living hell out of him!

Waldo: (whispering) Be quiet!

Edgar: Just think, I could be Count Edgar!

Waldo: (whispering) Why you ugly son of a…

Gideon: (whispering) Shoot him, shoot him in the head.

Waldo: (whispering) Shut your mouth!

Edgar: After all, it wouldn't be the first time that kind of thing has happened. Lady Clarabelle married her wardrobe manager, Gaston.

Gideon: (whispering) Damn him, that greedy, filthlicking devil!

LeFou: (whispering) Shh! We've got him right where we want him. He's on a big ego trip.

Edgar: Just think of me, having been married to her for three months, sitting around majestically. Then I call my servants together, wearing an embroidered robe, having just come from a couch where I've left Daisy sleeping-

Waldo: (whispering) You despicable pervert!

LeFou: (whispering) Calm yourself, Waldo!

Edgar: Then I'd put on a lofty and exalted expression. I'd look around the room calmly, then tell them that I know my place, and I'd like them to know theirs. Then I'd tell them to go find my dear friend Waldo.

Waldo: (whispering) Now I'm really mad!

LeFou: (whispering) For heaven's sake, shut your beak!

Edgar: I'd send seven of my servants to go get him. While I waited, I'd frown impatiently, and perhaps wind my watch, or play with some expensive piece of jewelry I happen to be wearing. Waldo would approach me. He'd bow to me as if I were his true master—

Waldo: (whispering) Shall this fellow live?

LeFou: (whispering) Yes, we have to be silent, even if it's kills us.

Edgar: I reach out my hand to him like this, giving him a stern look instead of my usual friendly smile. And I'd say to him, "My dear friend Waldo, since I've been lucky enough to marry your niece, I have the right to say a few things to you—"

Waldo (whispering) What?

Edgar: "You must stop being such a filthy and silly drunk!"

Waldo: (whispering) Get out of here, you cockroach!

LeFou: (whispering) Be quiet, or we'll screw up the joke.

Edgar: "And you're wasting your time with that foolish knight!"

Gideon: (whispering) That's me, I bet.

Edgar: "That imbeclic Sir Gideon"

Gideon: (whispering) I knew he was talking about me. A lot of people call me foolish and imbicelic.

Edgar: (sees the letter) What's this?

LeFou: (whispering) I don't believe it! He's taking the bait.

Waldo: (whispering) Shhh! Let us listen to what he reads. It will make it funnier.

Edgar: By the Father's light, this is my lady's handwriting! These are her C's, her U's and her T's, and that's how she makes her big P's. It's definitely her handwriting, no doubt about it.

Gideon: (whispering) Her C's, her U's, and her T's. Why so focused on that?

Edgar: (reads) "To my dear beloved who doesn't know I love him, I send you this letter with all my heart". That's exactly how she talks and look: the stamp my lady seals her letters witth! It has a picture of Lucrece on it. This letter is from Daisy, but who is this written to? (reads) "God knows I love someone. I can't let my lips say his name. No man must know". No man must know, what comes after that? Look, the meter changes in her poem. What if this someone were you, Edgar?

Waldo: (whispering) Go hang yourself, you stinking badger!

Edgar: (reads) "I may order the one I love. But silence, like a knife, cuts open my heart.

With strokes that draw no blood. E.T.D.I. rules my life.

LeFou: (whispering) What a ridiculous riddle!

Waldo: (whispering) That lovley Kluck has outdone herself!

Edgar: (reads) "E.T.D.I. rules my life." Hmm, let me see, let me see, let me see.

LeFou: (whispering) What a dish of poison she's mixed for him!

Waldo: (whispering) And look how willingly he's taking it, like a rat finding its food!

Edgar: (reads) "I may command the one I love". Well she commands me. I'm her servant and she's my mistress. Anyone can see what it means. There's no ambiguity here. But in the end, what do those letters mean? If only I could somehow relate them to me! Hmm. E.T.D.I. "E"—Edgar. "E"—why, that's the first letter in my name. But then the next letter isn't the same. "D" should be next, but instead "T" comes next. And then the "D" comes next. Oh dear, E.T.D.I. This code's not as easy to crack as the other one. But if I shake it up a little it'll work, because every one of those letters is in my name. But wait, there's some prose after her poem.

(reads the poem)

"If this letter falls into your hands, think carefully about what it says. By my birth I rank above you, but don't be afraid of my greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. Your fate awaits you. Accept it in body and spirit. To get used to the life you'll most likely be leading soon, get rid of your low-class trappings. Show some eagerness for the new upscale lifestyle that's waiting for you. Argue with a relative like a nobleman, and be rude to servants. Talk about politics and affairs of state, and act free and independent. The woman who advises you to do this loves you. Remember the woman who complimented you on your yellow stockings, and said she always wanted to see you with crisscrossing laces going up your legs—remember her. Go ahead. A happy new life is there if you want it. If you don't want it, just keep acting like a lowly servant who's not brave enough to grab the happiness there before him. Goodbye. Signed, she who would be your servant,

The Fortunate Unhappy."

This is as clear as sunlight in an open field. I'll do it. I'll be vain and proud, I'll read up on politics, I'll insult Sir Waldo, I'll get rid of my lower-class friends, and I'll be the perfect man for her. But I must not let myself get carried away by my imagination, because every clue points to the fact that Lady Daisy loves me. She did compliment me on my yellow stockings recently, and she said she liked how the crisscross laces looked on my legs. That's her way of saying she loves me. Oh thank the heavens I'm so happy! I'll put on my yellow stockings and crisscross laces right away. But look, here's a postscript! (reads) "You must have figured out who I am. If you love me, let me know by smiling at me. You're so attractive when you smile. Please smile whenever you're near me, my dearest darling". Dear God, thank you! I'll do everything you wants me to do. I will make you proud! (runs happily from the scene).

LeFou: Hahaha! I wouldn't have missed this even for a pension of thousands of pounds, to be paid by the shah of Persia.

Waldo: I could marry that Kluck for thinking this up.

Gideon: So could I!

Waldo: And I wouldn't ask for any dowry except for her to play another trick like this one.

Gideon: Neither would I.

LeFou: Here she comes, the brilliant fool-catcher! How about an applause?

Kluck: Be honest with me, did it really work?

Waldo: Like medicine for a sick man.

Kluck: If you want to really have some fun, watch him next time he's near Lady Daisy. He'll show up in yellow stockings—she hates yellow—and with laces crisscrossing up his legs—she hates that style of dress—and he'll smile, which will go completely against her mood, since she's addicted to sadness now. She'll definitely get upset at him. If you want to watch, follow me.

Waldo: I'd follow you to the gates of Hell, you sneaky little devil!

Gideon: Me as well!

And so the trio followed the chambermaid, hoping to catch a glimpse of how ridiculous Edgar was going to behave towards the Countess, having read the letter. This would probably be the funniest thing they had done at the household.

_**END OF ACT 2**_

**Author's note: Finished with Act 2. Hope you are beginning to notice some aspects of this play. I might have cut out a few notes that were supposed to said, but it is a good fanfic!**


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